*warning: This post is long but if you are an anxiety-filled, worrywart, than this is right up your alley.*
ALERT: Change is happening to me. Not in the smallest of ways either where I decide to maybe try more blonde highlights or make a new friend. These changes are not the little things that one day you look back and realize, “wow my life has changed so much and I didn’t even know it.”
NO. These are huge, earth-splitting, future-deciding, everybody-is-looking-at-you kind of changes.
They are as follows:
- I am starting a job in May that might turn into a career after graduation
- I’m getting married in October
- I’m graduating in December
- Adam will be in physical therapy school which means I need a job to support the both of us.
- Will I have to leave my beloved bartending jobs, the friends that work there and the customers that I have come to love?
That is why I have this song on repeat at all times.
I’ve been in college for 4 1/2 years. My time is coming to a close as a student and come December, I will be a UW-Whitewater graduate. This means I need to be a grown-up. In preparation for my true grown-up life, I have been searching to the high heavens for an internship this summer and I have finally found one. After I hung up the phone with the hiring manager, I screeched because I was so excited that I have a job and I’m moving on with my life. Someone actually values what I can bring to the table and wants to help me learn more.
Adam came rushing into the room after and we excitedly talked about what this means and if this works out, could this become my career? Will I be dong this after graduation?
Panic sets in. The future freaks me out. What if this doesn’t work out? What if I’m left jobless at graduation and Adam has to turn down physical therapy school because we can’t afford it. My current bartender salary won’t cut it and his job as a personal trainer isn’t exactly paying the bills, it is more of a hobby for Adam.
I posted the above status on my Facebook because this is the only way I know how to deal with change….dream about having no changes. So I call my parents to remind myself of what it sounds like to be home again where I have no worries. I tell my mom about my first world problems and she starts getting philosophical and deep about how change is good and failure happens but I was raised to deal with mistakes and learn from them. We all make mistakes in life, it is what life is about. And that is when I hear my dad in the background “And then you die.” Uhhh. Thanks Dad.
Now let me just say that I know I am being crazy. I’m pretty sure I have some sort of anxiety issues going on here, plus Toulouse has been mean to me lately so maybe I am just cat-deprived. Whatever is going on, I can take a quick step outside of myself and realize I am just having a moment. I have a phenomenal man by my side that I get the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with. I get to graduate and look back on my years of schooling knowing I had a top-notch education in this small town. And I am lucky to have someone want me on board to work for them. However with all of these happening, it creates an unknown of how it will all turn out. I don’t know the future. I don’t know how this will all work.
All of this comes down to leaving behind my college life. Leaving behind the classes that I attended that opened my mind to a million new worlds. I am leaving behind the days that I could have a beer on a lawn with a few friends. I am leaving behind the countless, stressful all-nighters that I pulled. Leaving behind the era where Adam and I met and became a couple. It is good that I am moving on from college. I wouldn’t be a great Van Wilder character anyway. Again though, it is still change. Change scares me.
Also, why do I feel like I am the only one? No one else seems to be scared. Connor is graduating at summer and she has absolutely no job lined up for fall and no idea where she is going to live. MY WORST NIGHTMARE by the way. Adam seems chill about the whole “I’m not sure about physical therapy school” notion. Am I the only one?
Change and the unknown factor of all of this scares me because I am so afraid I’m going to fail or make a wrong decision. I don’t want to be a ruin. I want success and I want to do great at my future marriage and job. But WHAT IF.
Ted Mosby had the perfect quote in How I Met Your Mother that explains my feelings.
“The longer I put off starting my own firm the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at.”
*DING DING* We have a winner. If I pretend like change isn’t happening, maybe it won’t happen and it can still be my dream. That way there is no chance of me failing at it. Oh but the catch in that theory: I will never have accomplished anything.
You know how they say “Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”? Well I guess it is better to have embraced change and made mistakes than to never have changed at all.
Anywho, thank you Motion City Soundtrack for solidifying my feelings into music format. I appreciate the help and the prediction that I might be needing it 7 years down the road which is now today. After this blows over, maybe I’ll hit this song up again in another 7 years.
Is anyone else going through this or am I actually suffering from this fear of the future by myself?